AT – Done for Now

I am coming to you on August 8, 2019 from the bed of a hotel in Newton, NJ. We arrived here the day before yesterday, in the early evening. We zeroed yesterday to let our tired feet recover. Last night it became evident that Gavin and I have expended all the energy we can muster for this trip. We talked with Beth, Angel, and Bullfrog, and most importantly, God, about the decision to end our journey here.

This has been a difficult choice to make, and one we’ve been wrestling with for quite some time. When Beth and Griffin came to meet us a few weeks ago, I expressed to her that I have become weary, and that the day-in, day-out walking was beginning to wear on me. I proposed to her that we hike to the PA/NJ state line and make that an even break point. She encouraged both of us to keep up the journey, because so much time and effort has gone into making it possible. Each day I thank God for both the opportunity and ability to make such a trip. Since that day we have been plowing on, but it has become a difficult toil.

That isn’t to say that this hasn’t been a remarkable journey. I wouldn’t take anything for the experiences we’ve had or for the people we’ve met on this trip. We have hiked with Angel and Bullfrog almost continuously since April 9, four months, and they have become lifelong friends to us. I know that at some point our paths will cross again. There are so many other people we’ve met, like Travis and Pringles, that I know we will be in touch with in the future. I think, however, that the decision to return home, while a heartbreaking one to make, is the right one for us right now.

This morning before finally deciding to end our trek, I revisited a document I created months ago called Appalachian Trail – Why. The genesis of that document comes from the book Appalachian Trials: A Psychological and Emotional Guide to Successfully Thru-Hiking the Appalachian Trail. The author, Zach Davis, encourages would-be hikers to make three lists: I am thru-hiking the AT because, When I successfully thru-hike the AT I will, and If I give up on the AT I will… I’d like to share some of the content of my lists with you now.

Among my reasons why are that hiking the AT has been a lifelong dream of mine. Even on my Eagle Scout application, completed when I was nearly 14, I listed hiking the whole AT as a life goal. Though I have fallen short in this attempt, completing just over 1,300 miles, I can, and intend to come back and finish the remaining miles in the next year or two. Another of the reasons why is the desire to experience God’s creation through nature. I can absolutely say that this goal has been realized. Just yesterday afternoon I was flipping back through some pictures from the trail and I came across a few I took when leaving Pine Grove Furnace State Park. It was mid-morning and the sun what’s streaking through the trees and fog lifting from the creek beside the trail. I think those photos are among my favorite from the entire trip. I also think back to the summit of Rocky Top, TN, where I was nearly brought to tears by the panoramic views from the top. I remember saying, “God was really on his game when he made this.” These and many other sights of the wonderment of God’s creation will live with me forever.

My third reason for undertaking this trip was to see Gavin become self-sufficient and to develop self-confidence. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog posts, you know already that as our hike unfolded, I went from allowing Gavin to be 10-15 minutes behind me to allowing him to hike out ahead and get a mile or two farther up the trail than the rest of us. I am proud of his ability to hike, and the comfort that he has being by himself in the outdoors. I also know that he can handle himself in difficult situations, such as the time when he found himself off the trail and had to backtrack, or the time when he fell and was almost a mile behind the rest of us. He did what he had to do to continue, and I’m proud of him that he has that confidence in himself. His transformation into a completely self-sufficient, self-confident person hasn’t completed itself yet, but I know that it is well on its way. Though he still struggles with “I can’t” moments, he has, on a multitude of occasions, found the strength to say, “I will,” and hopefully this strength will continue to develop as he does.

Fourth on the list was to just see if I was up to the challenge of a 2,200 mile hike through the woods. Though I have not completed the trip, I know that physically, I can do it. It seems odd to write that I feel like I could mentally do it too, considering that we’re throwing in the towel, but I still believe I have what it takes. Honestly, I started the trip fifty pounds overweight and completely out of shape, so the fact that I made it out of Georgia is somewhat of an accomplishment in and of itself. We have experienced physical growth beyond what I ever expected. When we started, it would take us nearly all day to go 8-10 miles. At this stage of the trip, we could easily do this distance before lunch. I remember one of the first days in which we hiked over 14 miles, up and over Rocky Top and Clingman’s Dome. It seemed like it took us forever, and it was nearly dark by the time we reached the campsite for the evening. Now, we are physically able to do 14-mile days by mid-afternoon.

The psychological challenge of completing the thru-hike, though, seems to have defeated us. One of the things I’ve been going over in my head about for the past few weeks is that we had planned to be finished with the trip in mid-August. That would put us out for six months, which is a long time to be away from your family, pets, and other loved ones. It is quite easy to dwell on the simple pleasures you miss from being at home, such as mowing the grass for me, or fishing and playing the drums for Gavin. I also miss the luxury of being able to go eat or shop in places that are beyond walking distance from where I’m sleeping. I have missed my bed. In the months that we’ve been on-trail, these things have been on my mind perhaps more than they should have been. In trying to plan the completion of this trip, it has been difficult to mentally push these thoughts aside for what would likely be another couple of months of hiking and being away from home. It is most certainly the psychological aspect of this trip that I have found most difficult to conquer.

In a similar vein, my fifth statement of why was to establish some new life habits related to exercise. As I mentioned above, I have lost 50 pounds on this hike, and it will be a struggle to keep it off when I return home. In the past, I’ve never been one for walking, running, or working out, but I do believe that I am at a point where hiking regularly will be among my habits. I have thoroughly enjoyed being in the woods, and there are plenty of places near home where I can take day-hikes, or even short backpacking trips. Now I have to make myself do it. Certainly, I have seen the benefit of exercise and have enjoyed the feeling of being “in shape.” Now I have to take the Next Step and continue the process when I get home. Through this hike, I believe I have a new understanding of the importance of physical activity which should make it easier for me to continue.

My final goal for this trip was for Gavin to know and experience God. There have been so many “God moments” on this trip that I am now confident that he gets it. As I have written before, the four of us, Angel, Bullfrog, Gavin, and I, start our day with a prayer. Usually it is Gavin who leads us each day. His appeals to God are meaningful and appropriate, and I have enjoyed seeing him grow in his faith. It remains a special moment for me to see him reach the top of a mountain where there is a view and hear him say, “Wow!” I am now fully confident that Gavin knows that God is responsible for all the things we’ve seen and that he is appreciative of God’s creation.

In looking over the “If I give up” list, the point that strikes me most is that I would disappoint all the people who have been “pulling for me.” As I ruminate over this statement, I know that there are scores of folks in that list, and I appreciate all of you who have read our blog, looked at our Facebook posts, have watched our videos, or who have just thought about or prayed for us. In flipping back through my photos trying to find the one of my AAA card so I could get a hotel discount, I came across the pictures taken at Casa Mexico just a few days before we left. We have had the support of our church family, our school family, and our family family, and we appreciate it more than you will ever realize. I am disappointed to be leaving the trail for now, but I am hopeful that we can come back a month or two at the time in the future and finish this magnificent journey. When we do, we’ll still covet your support and prayers.

I am trying very hard right now not to dwell on the idea of disappointing others. Though we didn’t make it to Maine, we have hiked 1,323.8 miles through eight states, and I have to view that as a serious accomplishment. Not many people get that sort of opportunity. Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of not finishing the journey, I will choose to focus on the fourth item in the “give up” list, which is to focus on the positive aspects of the trip.

There are so many positive memories that I will take from this trip. Some I have already mentioned, such as the “God made this” moment on the peak of Rocky Top. We have been so blessed in so many ways. Even though we started in late February and I expected to be driven from the mountains several times by snow and ice, we only encountered ¾ of an inch of sleet on the entire trip. We have almost been equally fortunate with regard to rain and storms. We’ve hiked in inclimate weather so infrequently that I can only remember two occasions where we had miserable rain. The people from all around the world that we’ve met have been phenomenal, including the three groups of individuals who worked together to get Gavin’s phone charger back to him when he lost it. Everyone we’ve met on trail is on the same team and they’ve been supportive of each other beyond measure. We have met the right people at the right times, such as Wednesday and Pringles, who have been “mother” figures to Gavin when he really needed it. Meeting and hiking with Travis early on, and later Angel and Bullfrog has to have been a God thing. He put us with the right people at just the right times for us to have been able to make it this far.

One thing that we have continually asked for is to inspire and be inspired by others. When I made my lists, this thought didn’t come to me, but it has been our mantra for continuing along the trail. We have drawn inspiration from so many folks we’ve met along the way, and we appreciate them all. I also hope we have been an inspiration. I remember the day we met Angel and Bullfrog and she was ready to call it quits. As she was throwing a major tantrum, out of the darkness of the shelter came a 13-year-old voice which said, “Do you need a hug?” At that point, Gavin instantly became an inspiration to her and we’ve been hiking together ever since. Without putting names to it, I can think of at least three or four people right off who have commented online that Gavin had uplifted them and kept them going when the thought of going on was difficult. I thank God for the opportunity to influence others in this way.

I believe it is time for me to draw to a close. I set out this afternoon to reflect on this trip and all that it has been for Gavin and me. Perhaps this post was more for me to clear my head than it was meant for your consumption, but I believe that after the support you have lent us over the past several months, it is important for me to share my thoughts about leaving the journey unfinished, at least for now. I will be prayerful that in the next summer of two, we can count on your continued good wishes as we strive to complete this trek northward. I also look forward to seeing what my Next Step will be.